This last weekend I sang in a production of Beethoven 9th Symphony with Phion and Cappella Amsterdam, soloists Andre Morsch, Barbara Kozelj, Aylin Sezer, Marcel Reijans.  

It is a piece that cannot fail to win the public.  The sheer compositional genius of the 4th movement conclusion will send the audience to their feet, and a professional ensemble will make sure that it stays together and that intonation is cared for, despite the leadership and inconsistenties of the score.  The vocal writing is reputedly unfortunate - too high for extended periods of time for the sopranos and tenors, too low to make any volume during the crucial passages for the altos.  Phion is a modern orchestra, and even with highly trained voices of Cappella, balance was still an issue.  In Enschede, where these photos were taken, the podium had a tiered setup with more extreme height differences, which helped balance immensely. 

I found it difficult to sing with full joy and passion, as I had in May, considering the terrible humanitarian situation in Gaza that is unfolding before our very eyes. It feels hypocritical to the extreme to be singing about brotherhood when we in the West are so guilty of trampling on peace and brotherhood in the centuries of colonialism preceding. 

I looked upon the audience wondering what this performance brought to them. 

In 2006-7 I grew up. I needed a job.  I reviewed the website musicalchairs.info daily and finally stumbled upon something that I was ecstatic to apply for and do:  conducting two orchestras, 1 choir, and teaching violin and flute all in 1 place - the Edward Said National Conservatory of Music.  I didn't look at the flag, and applied. When I got the job, I realised that I would be moving to Pa. les  tine.  I was 25 years old.  That was the year that I grew up and lost my stupid American naiveté. 
In these series of blog posts I'll be sharing the email updates that I sent to my friends, family, and colleagues at the time.  ​

​Dec 8. 2006:
•    Here it comes  . . update #4!!  Well, “my brain is flying” with all sorts of thoughts and observations of my still new home, and here is a sort of mumble jumbled organisation of these thoughts.  Let’s start off with some funny Arabic expressions to laugh a little before the more serious schiesse is thrown at the fan.  
o    Expression #1, “Bukra fi’il mishmesh” (tomorrow in the apricot) or . . when hell freezes over:  said when the taxi driver demands too much money for the fare
o    Expression #2, “Kullna fi lhawa sawa”  (we are all in love together) or . . we are all in the same boat:  general term for this “situation” that we’re all in.  I guess we think in terms of boats in America, but the Palestinians have their minds on love.
o    Expression #3, “qahwe daayme” (coffee always)  explanation needed?!  
o    Expression 4  MY FAVORITE, makes me think of the movie Shrek:  “yoom 9asal, uwyoom basal”  (the 9 is a low a vowel that we don’t have in the US)  -- one day is honey, and one day is onion.
o    The last one, which I think is simply hilarious if you endorse mental imagery:  “9aqlo taar”  (his brain flew) or, . . he went crazy.
•    Palestine, Palestine.  Things are going well here, and each day brings me more security and happiness, thank goodness.  My beginner orchestra is showing serious signs of improvement . . they sight read some music today with generally good intonation and rhythm which they would have viewed with ultimate suspicion and incomprehension at the beginning of the year.  We also are creating some kind of special “Hebe and Orchestra” language which includes all sorts of funny expressions  that have a history of development.  For instance, “tutti tutti” was repeated so much that it became old and therefore turned into “tutti frutti” and now has progressed to “tutti schmutti”.  The word “upbow” finally has been drilled into their brains that they must start at the tip, and if anybody doesn’t it results in some annoyed but funny Arabic commentary from the faster ones.  I pulled a few special ones out of the big group to form a smaller chamber ensemble . . . the first piece we are playing (me with them as first violin) is a rather trite Tango, but a very good beginning piece that finally is getting them to use their bow in the lower half!!  So this is also part of our new dictionary, as I refer to these kids as either the “tangos” or the “tangers.”  Every week I do a listening quiz where I give out 4 cds and a sheet of questions and whoever emails me first with the right answers gets a prize the next week (candy of course). .  and I’ve found to my unsurprised luck that candy is a wonderful incentive and disciplinarian device.  And finally concerning this crazy and wonderful kids, I’ve decided that my new goal in life should be to bulldoze enough brains around here to eventually have an orchestra that can play a Beethoven symphony (well)!! At first I was rather depressed with the level here, but the talent that is progressing here now is inspiring and I am looking forward forming a part of their musical learning process.
•    
•    Every time I go through a checkpoint now (especially at Kalandia) I have to do something to pass the time  . . either take out my Ipod or read a book, or daydream which takes me to thought-land. . .
•    The other day my thought-land made a disturbing but for me accurate observation.  You see, the lines you wait in at Kalandia or any other checkpoint are actually much better and faster than the lines that you might encounter at say . . Great America, Disneyland, or for the Europeans, de Efteling.  When we go to an “amusement” park, we wait in absolutely horrendous lines in order to be thrown around, spun, tossed and dropped until at least 50% suppress a nastily real urge to vomit.   And then most of us run like crazy people in order to do it again.  So why is waiting for an unknown period of time (sometimes 10 minutes, sometimes 1 hour, sometimes 2 hours) at a checkpoint where all is required is to wait, show a passport and check your baggage through a machine (if you are not questioned) so bad?  I guess the main issue is freedom of choice.  And fear of the other.  From both sides.
•    
•    On a happy note, all of the 5 boxes that I sent from Indiana with at least 15 years of scores and music arrived safely to Jerusalem without any trouble of inspection.  It’s strange to think this way . .  but in fact a large portion of my brain is stored in those very pages . . my first score markings in the Beethoven symphonies and Brahms symphonies.  . those red and grey pencil scratches and blotches contain a wealth of synapses.  

​Geen woorden meer nodig. 

In 2006-2007 I grew up.  Before that year, I had finished my Masters in Instrumental Conducting after a Bachelors in Violin, and had just finished a 6 month self-organised opera project Maria de Buenos Aires.  I needed a job.  I reviewed the website musicalchairs.info daily and finally stumbled upon something that I was ecstatic to apply for and do:  conducting two orchestras, 1 choir, and teaching violin and flute all in 1 place - the Edward Said National Conservatory of Music.  I didn't look at the flag, and applied. When I got the job, I realised that I would be moving to Pa. les  tine.  I was 25 years old.  That was the year that I grew up and lost my stupid American naiveté. 
In these series of blog posts I'll be sharing the email updates that I sent to my friends, family, and colleagues at the time.  

Here is my update #2 Sent November 11, 2006
​from Ram)ll-h, Pa. le.s. t i... n. 
Contrary to what many people think about how hot and warm the Middle East is ..  it gets very very cold here!  I read some article describing Benjamin’s Ceremony of Carols, and how the words were describing the freezing winter night of Christ’s birth .  and how this reflected rather a freezing England night rather than the “balmy Bethlehem comfortable night.”  Balmy???!!  Have some winter jackets and thermal underwear handy for a visit here! 
Ah  . . Ram)ll-h.  So let’s start with the general situation:  today there was a recognition of Arafat’s one year anniversary of his death, and so there was many youths (many from the refugee camps surrounding R) parading on the streets wearing black and white checkered attire and proudly waving the Pal... flag.  There was a huge picture of Arafat hanging from the statue in the middle of Manara square (the picture that I sent out last time), a large amount of inconvenient traffic due to the fact that the main streets through town were closed, and general patriotic rallying and demonstrations.  Life as usual in R.  You see, that is the thing . . daily life here is a demonstration.  There is always some kind of holiday to be aware of, to celebrate, to honor the dead, to mourn the loss of life due to political conflict, weddings,  . . you name it, almost every day has significance in this land.  On top of that, the community is actually very small, and so unification is not only possible, but mandatory.  People cannot afford to disgrace, act against, or fight their society.  Yes, there are factions (H and F),. . .  but they come together to form one single entity which they are struggling to uphold and to proudly do so . . Pa l..e.s.ti..ne. 
The small size of the community also means (for me) that nobody is really expendable. .  every person is important.  In the west we have the bad habit, perhaps a spoiled luxury, of being able to rely on competition . .”ok, if you can’t do this, then don’t worry, we’ll let you go and find somebody better to do this job”.  For music, at least, I really do not have this luxury here.  Every single student I have, whether it be the oldest member of my choir to the youngest beginning violin student, is important.  They are the only prized means of expression not only for me as a conductor, but also for their own purely Palestinian community.  If they cannot meet the challenge, there really is nobody else to take their place. .  and so instead of giving up, we MUST find a way to overcome the hurdles!.  It is really a challenge for me and for them to bring them all to a unified level at which we can present something of worthy of pride and respect . . and yet I think the outcome will be fantastic for all (including the audience) for the main reason that the energy that they put into this is willing and positive energy rather than reluctance or irritation or frustration.
As one example, I have a man in my choir who came in not reading a single note of music, and not being able at all do distinguish one note from another.  Not only that, but because he was struggling to sing different notes, he acquired the bad habit of jutting his chin out to get them and therefore really tensed up his neck muscles.  Tonight, after 1 ½ hours of work with him, he sang an entire major scale, all the intervals, and then by the end sung the first page of the Mozart Credo mov’t that we are doing which included octave jumps, diminished triads, and half steps.  I never thought that changing a note to the correct pitch could give me such relief!!!!  In the States ..  I doubt if I would have ever considered working with such meager musical ability . . and yet, it is only a situation such as this one where you find that ANYTHING is possible.   “Maria de Buenos Aires”, a project that I did earlier this year, proved this to me  ..  but Pal.. is really solidifying this to be not only an idea, but a fact. 

If you remember in my last email, I said a few things about the taxi drivers here and I think I’ll continue this subject.  There is a whole honking language in Palestine.  Between the Arab buses, which are small (about 20 people), very convenient, and helpful (I pretty much know and recognise all the drivers by now from Jerusalem to Ra..) there is the “hello”  “HEY!! How are you!” “Get out of the way” “there are problems ahead” “MOVE!!!!!!!” honks.  The taxis are really bad, . . .  constantly giving reminder honks, “hey, you, you need a ride?”  The worst is the unemployed and testosterone overflowing youths in their cars who find nothing more interesting to do than to piss off foreign girls walking on the street (me) by honking obscenely at them and saying some kind of lewd comment.  And so you get this whole slew of honks  . . each one meaning something in a variety of situations to the point where a dictionary of honking could be useful to the foreign visiter! 
About driving.  There are no real laws of driving in P.  Which in my opinion, makes people much better and smarter drivers.  They are all completely unwilling to deal with slow, stupid, careful drivers, and mostly, with traffic jams.  The result is that traffic usually doesn’t exist, and if it does, there is such a horrific chorus of honking and yelling that the jam breaks up at least 10 times faster than I have seen anywhere in the States and in Europe.   
So, Ramadan is now over.  At night, the city has returned to normal. .  not too many people about, and the restaurants are open during the day and the bars at night.  Speaking of which, in Manara square an enterprising young man, former employee of the infamous Starbucks in New York, opened his own version . . Star n Bucks.  The sign looks the same, the inside as well. . (he also has a degree in Graphic Design. .  comes in handy!) but the menu is much expanded, the music better, and it doubles as a bar at night.  Absolutely hilarious to see such a blatant copy  . . again, only in P!!
About politics I would rather not speak.  “The situation” as people talk about, is always difficult, and it seems to be coming to another height of tensions with the recent events in Gaza.  But we must not forget that people are people everywhere in the world.  Governments are not made of machines, but of living human beings with emotions, needs and souls.  Once governments can deal with each other with human sympathy as well as the mechanical efficiency that goes along with management of their respective societies. .  perhaps some kind of easing of tension will occur.  In any case, I still live with real people who care for each other, breath good air and eat good food and try to  encourage musical creation with people who are motivated to do so.  “Heek iddinya”  ---- Arabic for “such is life”

3rd Update Nov 2006
​So much keeps happening  . . I wish I could write updates everyday! 
The most recent news is that I am in Istanbul for a couple of days in order to renew my visa.  I have never been to Turkey before, and of course I had a totally different conception of what it might be.  This place is really beautiful (especially after living where I have been since Sept . .) and although the people are desperately pushy for tourist money to the point of real annoyance, atmosphere is a relief.  It seems like Turkey as a whole is making a truly valiant and remarkable effort (at least, what I see in Istanbul) to impress the world (and the EU) with the beauty and worth of it's culture, land, and people.  I'm staying very near the Blue Mosque and the Hagia Sophia. 
 
The trip here was just awful.  Every foreigner leaving Israel is subjected to massive amounts of unnecessary, stressful, and useless interrogation.  All the luggage is emptied, picked apart, and examined.  You are instructed to strip down to the minimum clothes so that they can check in detail for any metal or bombs on your person.  The questioning is really the worst, because Israel really doesn't like ANY foreigner who comes to work, especially in Palestine.  They will interrogate you endlessly to find any holes in your story.  Stress central. What I really hate is that fact that I'm being attended to by at least 5 or 6 people (on top of this, at 4am) who are being paid well ... to do something unnerving and irrational, all under the bill of American tax-payers.  YES!!!!  I am paying for my OWN interrogation.  This whole experience is really awful sometimes  ... but on the other hand, I have a very good passport  . . can you imagine just what it must be like for somebody with a Palestinian ID, or really any other disadvantaged country? 
 
In any case, it is ridiculous that it is taking the court system there so long to grant work permits for the Conservatory teachers (already YEARS into the process, apparently).  Music is not terrorism.
 
About more general things.  In the US we have this system of food preparation that negates any realisation that the meat that we are eating is actually from an animal.  Either you buy a nice clean package in the supermarket, or you buy a hamburger where a brown undefinable patty (really . . who knows how much soy meal they put in those) is hidden by rosy tomatoes and wilted lettuce and melted kraft singles . . if you are brave, you can even venture to buy a fresh whole trout. . . but usually the typical American family opts for canned tuna which is nicely transformed into a mix of mayo, pickles, and bread to hide it. 
On the other hand, in Palestine, when you go to a meat shop, there is generally three or four carcasses (goat, sheep  . maybe cow) hanging in the shop window.  Sometimes they have a hook with organs as well.  Disconcerting at first.  It's become normal to me now. PS I’m vegetarian.
That's the meat situation .. . now vegetables are another.  Fantastic. Real.  They taste like something.  Eggplant with garlic and little cherry tomatoes, squash, peppers . . . hmmmmmm. 
The people change with the seasons in Palestine.  Not them themselves, but their attitude and way of life.  In the winter things are much less aggressive.  The streets are quieter now that it is colder and it gets darker sooner.  People drink "qahwe" together in the streets (coffee,. .   a VERY important drink here) from plastic cups from the little vendors, plus they eat steaming broadbeans and corn in the evening after prayer from roving vendors. 
My students are shaping up slowly.  The beginning orchestra is now starting to play something that is recognisably Tchaikovsky, which they will perform in a few weeks, and the choir is singing better every time that we meet.  That one bass I talked about still doesn't sing on pitch most of the time, but now we have an agreement that when he is really off and I hear it, I catch his eye and make a very small motion for him to cut out for a bit.  In April the Choir of London will be coming to Palestine to do a series of Mozart concerts including the Magic Flute and the Requiem.  I will be preparing the choir to perform with them in the Requiem, and this should really be a huge motivation for the choir members themselves. .  to sing along side a European ensemble is really a big deal for them as I have gathered. 
Their inspiration for this opportunity makes me realise how damn LUCKY we are as western musicians in the US and Europe to have the opportunity to perform and rehearse together so easily and so often.
 
Hugs and greetings from the wonderful dove-filled skies of Istanbul.

​

In 2006-2007 I grew up.  Before that year, I had finished my Masters in Instrumental Conducting after a Bachelors in Violin, and had just finished a 6 month self-organised opera project Maria de Buenos Aires.  I needed a job.  I reviewed the website musicalchairs.info daily and finally stumbled upon something that I was ecstatic to apply for and do:  conducting two orchestras, 1 choir, and teaching violin and flute all in 1 place - the Edward Said National Conservatory of Music.  I didn't look at the flag, and applied. When I got the job, I realised that I would be moving to Pa. les  tine.  I was 25 years old.  That was the year that I grew up and lost my stupid American naiveté. 
In these series of blog posts I'll be sharing the email updates that I sent to my friends, family, and colleagues at the time.  
 
UPDATE 1 - sent September 2006 
Finally, here is the update of what is happening with me in Palestine!  Sorry it has taken me so long . .
Well, let’s start from the beginning.  I arrived in Tel Aviv in this massive and very clean airport which probably has cameras in every corner with an extreme sense of not knowing what in the world I was doing, what was going to happen with me, and into what kind of mess I was getting myself into.  But luckily, I stepped two steps out of the baggage claim, and was relieved to immediately see a nice young man holding a sign “Ms. Hebe.”  And so, I was driven to a church/hotel where I spent the rest (4 hours) of the night, and the next morning BAM we had the big teachers meeting for the Conservatory year.  I had totally not prepared, didn’t know what to expect, and was somewhat amused to see some of the older teachers with looks of extreme concern and worry and frustration on their faces, all which came out in the meeting.  I made some obvious mistakes and assumptions about the conservatory which I am now paying for harshly, such as the level of the students, the participation of the teachers with the orchestra, and the organisation of the administration.  Just like everything in life, things always happen better when you do whatever is needed yourself! 
However, I am getting much more acquainted with what exactly I need to do and why, and now the conservatory is realising how to give me the tools I need to get the job done, and so slowly I am able to build my network and try to make something that all the kids, their parents, and hopefully eventually Palestine can be proud of.
I have a beginning orchestra of kids who at first were completely unruly and undisciplined and who had absolutely no concept of tempo.  Must be my fault partly. They are now they are working diligently and even with motivation on a theme from Tchaikovsky’s Pathetique Symphony and some Gilbert and Sullivan. 
The Advanced Orchestra is a case of issues.  There is such an extremely small pool of advanced students who are able to participate, and they all live in the 3 cities (Bethlehem, Jerusalem, and Ramallah), and so coordinating rehearsals keeping in mind holidays of 3 religions (Muslims, Christians, Jews), difficulties of getting across checkpoints, parents complaining about taking time away from school, and then their own lack of preparation, has made the rehearsal process thus far a NIGHTMARE.  After changing the program several times (currently they are preparing several mov’ts of the Mozart C minor Mass, Bach Orchestra Suite #1, and we will do Schubert Unfinished), meeting with the parents, and myself coming to my own solution, now I am traveling to each city for individual lessons and sectionals with each musician every week, and then every month we will have retreats in Birzeit for a weekend where they will come together and play as an “orchestra.”  Improvement has been drastic, . . some of them are extremely motivated, diligent, and intelligent, and those who have really put the time in with me have made me very proud and excited that they improve so exponentially.  With all of the difficulties imposed by religious traditions (fasting in Ramadan), religious and political conflict and oppression, the drive of these kids when encouraged is amazing, and their curiousity and willingness to learn is wonderful, relieving, and definitely motivational for myself as well.
Then comes my favourite group:  the Jerusalem Chorus. .  which actually has nothing currently to do with Jerusalem. I think in the past they were based there. .  but then with the Israeli restriction of mov’t, and the fact that they were mostly a Ramallah based group, we now do all rehearsals and concerts in Ramallah.  It is a completely amateur group, mostly 30-60 years old .  . . at least 25% learn by ear rather than read . . and I simply LOVE the challenge and the joy of working with them.  At first they were worse than my beginning orchestra on discipline. .  they were used to being conducted by a marvelous old lady named Salwa who suffered/s from MS, and who obviously lacked the energy to keep this unruly group within bounds.  They said they always started at least ½ hour late, there was a lot of talking and laughing all the time, and general good spirit without really paying attention to actually rehearsing and making a good quality musical product.  They were there for fun.  Now, Ha ha, I have come into the picture..  . . we still have fun!  We start by having our fitness expert (one of the older men who teaches fitness at a school) do some stretching and exercises, then we do singing warm-ups  ..  and then we actually rehearse and learn the pieces  . . something that I don’t think they were used to before . . matching vowels, dynamics, phrasing, . . and they are wonderful!  Some of them can’t sing exactly on pitch yet, and the sopranos have trouble with the high notes, but with every week that passes, they are opening up more, and the pitch is eventually getting there . .  our big success thus far is the Credo mov’t from the Mozart Mass, which they are beginning to sing with real life and good sound. Other than that we will sing some traditional Palestinian songs and some Christmas carols.
And finally, I have many flute and violin students, all of whom make me extremely happy . . I never thought that I would want to be a teacher, but it is really a joy,  . . especially teaching flute.  I have one little girl, Nai (which means flute), who is ten years old and plays with a huge sound, with vibrato, and thus far has a very good natural sense of phrasing, . . we played a Bach piece the other day . . I accompanied her on the piano, and I was bursting with happiness at the end of the pieces . . to think that music so wonderful can come out of a great child, born amidst a chaotic world challenged by internal strife, political oppression, and difficulties at every turn . .  and yet something so extremely beautiful, confident, and emotional was pushed and born into the air for a few minutes!
At the conservatory, we have a crazy mixture of international teachers. .  some of whom I really like, and others who I am now becoming to realise that I don’t want anything to do with them.  Recently a wonderful flutist came to join the team, R- L-, who used to play with the Paul Winter group ..  this lady is really great to talk to, work with, and learn from.  I am extremely glad that I have a such a great teammate who has taken over my Ramallah flute students.  Every which language is spoken within the teachers  . . Russian, Dutch, French, Italian, Spanish, Hebrew, German . . what a mix. 
There is so much news that I should add about my experience just being in this place ..  but there is no way to add all of it.  My brain has been so trashed with emotions and experiences over the past month that I can’t even imagine from what mindset I came from.
For the first month I was living in the Sawanee neighborhood in Jerusalem, on the side of the Mount of Olives.  Tension central between creeping in Israeli neighborhoods and struggling Arab neighborhoods.  I had to walk 40 minutes every day to go to the conservatory, and through a terrible neighborhood where the kids were the biggest problem. .  kids that only understood parent’s frustration, soldiers with guns .. etc.  Kids in Jerusalem especially have a problem because the teacher/student ratio becomes worse and worse, the teachers haven’t been paid in I think 8 months, and they get out of school at 1pm ..  so from 1pm until 10, if their parents are working, they are making havoc on the streets.  HOWEVER, I took the very smart initiative after a late night upsetting experience that caused my to bawl my head off (pent up emotions tend to build up within me and erupt for hours of crying once a year) for an entire night, and moved my butt to Ramallah, where I currently live in a fantastic one bedroom apartment overlooking a beautiful valley, and in a very good safe neighborhood. 
In one sense it was very good for me to live in Jerusalem . . the constant upset made music all the more worthwhile . .
Now we get to some more issues   . . .  guns are omnipresent here.  Soldiers at all checkpoints have huge guns.  At least 70% of the Israeli soldiers that I see are small skinny women with perfect hair and guns that are at least ½ their size.  Small kids play with plastic guns in the streets . . a real irritation to me. . . and the fact that these mothers buy this for their children . .
Ramadan!  What a month!  All of the Muslims fast each day, and then they get together with family, friends at the “iftar” (breaking of the fast) to feast every night, then go the the Mosque and pray, and then more celebration.  Every Friday, the Muslim day of rest, they try to go to Jerusalem to pray, and usually the Kalandia checkpoint is a complete mess of thousands of people who are not let through. 
Kalandia . . .  the refugee camp between the checkpoint and Ramallah, where the road is simply DREADFUL ..  full of pot holes and pits ..  and although many international donors have offered funds to fix the road, it is an impossibility due to Israel zoning restrictions.  Makes learning Arabic on the bus ride through the checkpoint an exercise of the eye muscles.  When the bus gets to the checkpoint, you have to go out, walk to the pedestrian entrance, go to a stall type entrance, wait in a sort of cattle pen with the others with your visa ready to show, ..  then when you are allowed to be checked, you put your bag in the x-ray machine, walk through the metal detector, usually get yelled at to show your id and visa, and then if all is well (once I bought a kitchen knife and left it in my bag by mistake. .  BIG mistake) you can go through, walk out and step hopefully into the same bus you came on. 
The economy is hanging at very thin threads here ..  people are extremely relieved and happy when they have a foreign renter .  ..  very glad to get the extra cash, and my landlady is an old spectacularly nice lady who really takes care of me.  However, the lack of money flowing through makes people desperate for business. . . anytime I walk anywhere I immediately get many many honks from taxis ..  and if I walk through a bunch of them, it’s a hilarious chorus of “taxi taxi taxi”  . . imagine now an Arabic accent and the “i” very “eeeeee” with the voice going up considerably . .  really a hilarious sound when in chorus,  . .they should make a cell-phone ring out of it.  Well . . it takes getting used to, but really, there is no danger here from the people themselves, even with the situation.  Considering the lack of governmental oversight such as a court system, people have high moral standards stemming from cultural tradition, and therefore, I do not fear walking through the streets alone with my wallet and passport . . that being said, of course one must always be on guard. .  but it is a much different guard then say the attention are care you have to have in an American city, where you know that theft is completely possible and inevitable if you don’t watch out. 
Living with the Arabs ..  there is no better time in my life to experience this than now, and I’m not only learning a lot about things that never concerned me directly before, but I’m growing to appreciate and sympathise with a culture that before was completely foreign and unknown to me. 

Hard work pays off, but rarely immediately. One can get discouraged if the fruits of one's labor seems to echo in an empty valley. 

And yet! I jumped mile high upon reading the email from La Maestra.  I have been selected to participate in the 3rd edition in March of 2024 in Paris. Literally, a dream come true. I will be meeting one of my biggest current inspirations, Nathalie Stutzmann.  It only took 42 years.. :) I'm proud of being the oldest contestant. Years of musicianship, of experiencing motherhood, the pains of life, the joys of life... they all have an impact on your path, your musicianship, and your future.  I'm simply elated to make this next step in my career. 

In speaking with various connections close and far I perceive that there is a somewhat estranged view of the music industry.  Many outside of the industry seem to have the viewpoint of it being a winner-takes-all business, in which those internationally successful are extraordinarily rich and popular, while those that fall just short of 1st place waddle around in poverty and live a bohemian lifestyle.


First off, yes, it is a cut-throat business, in which one can be randomly set by the wayside by a particular ensemble which has been a steady source of income. It necessitates constant entrepreneurship, vigilance and attention to one’s image, techniek, and prowess. However, the doomsday thinking of winner-takes-all is unrealistic. In fact, if one observes the absolute greats in any music genre, the higher the stakes, the more the artist gains to lose. It might even be fair to say, the more attention an artist gets, the harder he/she must fight to maintain this position in an industry fixated on youth. Pop music must be the absolute worst (perhaps, next to musicals) of the music genres when it comes to internal competition. Worldwide succes gives absolutely no guarantee for a lifetime of recognition and fame. Especially those groups or soloists that gained fame based largely on youthful energy, stamina, and beauty, are prone to derision or simply to be forgotten once the next star hits the stage. Think of The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Madonna, Lady Gaga, Pharrell Williams, even Billy Eilish. Ten years of fame, maybe even twenty, and then the real difficulty ensues in attempting to maintain their platform.  Many branch out in necessity.  Gaga started acting and absolutely nailed the roles she took on, Pharrell went in to clothing design (although I’m unsure about that). Those that can be entrepreneurs on various levels are the ones that maintain their status in any way, but so many just fail and fall by the wayside, some in just utterly embarrassing ways. Madonna’s horribly out of tune fail at the Eurovision Song Contest was the biggest example in decades.  And, some literally die out or break down mentally from a lifetime of pressure from extreme fame and the demands of perfection that is upon someone at that level.  There are so many unfortunate examples: Michael Jackson, Amy Winehouse, Prince. Freddie Mercury. Brittany Spears.


Anyways, my point is that it is no picknick up at the very top. The pressure is immense, the longevity of success falls painfully short of a normal “career,” and emotional instability is likely.

My more important point is that the music industry has a pyramid structure. Those at the very tippy top are only placed there and maintained by a gigantic bottom structure that is absolutely vital for their success.  This bottom structure provides not only copious amounts of work, but also brings joy, intellectual stimulation, community, and social benefit to all involved.  If you are working at any level of this pyramid structure, be aware that the applause, accolades, and fame that those at the top receive is also YOUR applause.  You are part of the great machine of music of which every cog and bolt enhances the final products of that very machine. 

And which brings me to my last point.  Without music education, the top will fall.  The pyramid will crumble.   

This week I participated the 1st Frederic Fricsay International Conducting Competition in Szeged.  It was an inspirational experience. I didn’t conduct particularly well, and wasn’t expecting to progress past round 1 considering that fact that my competitors were 108 other very highly trained and extremely talented conductors. But I did try my best with the greatest amount of enthousiasm, and came out of it wiser and hopefully, better. Many very respected young professionals also didn't progress through round 1, while others surprisingly did, so I don't feel badly. I also learned an important lesson: don’t just conduct in round one, but make sure that you also rehearse well.  Even if for just one minute. The following blog post is not only about me, but is more of an explanation of why, what, how, and the consequences of having ambitions for a larger career.


A few impressions.  First of all, it’s good to think about the collective investment that each participant (we’ll talk about the organisation itself later) needs to make to get this far. First of all, you need to be an expert in your field, and to get there, you need to have taken private lessons in an instrument from a very young age.  Lessons are costly and to be brutally honest, only available to those children whose parents have the means, ability, and luck of landing a great job in order to finance these extracurricular developmental activities.  At that point, if you have enough talent, you will possibly be admitted to an undergraduate music degree in order to specialise in whatever instrument you have studied intensely. At least in the US, only then can you continue to a conducting (Masters) degree, and at that point, it’s important to chose the very best school with teachers and a reputation that will actually bring you places.  These schools do not necessarily have to cost you a lot of money, but only if you obtain a grant or scholarship.  I was personally very fortunate to get a full ride to attend San Fransisco State University to study with the Alexander String Quartet, and an opera theater assistantship to help pay for my years at IU Bloomington. But my situation is just one example and my point is that you need some degree of luck and talent to obtain these positions. Something that I learned too late… you need to learn how to network AND how to elbow your way through without stepping on any toes. There are some less talented musicians who on sheer adroitness of network/elbowing have obtained fantastic positions for themselves.  And I have zero critique for them, because they have their obvious positive qualities that I perhaps lack.


But now comes the hard part. Whereas, due to a variety of factors (briefly.. better societal appreciation and understanding of the arts, less social unrest which is to date caused by the effects of ineffective distribution of wealth, proliferation of the culturally uneducated, overconsumption, overpopulation, globalisation and therefore detachment of national identity) music was played, appreciated, and understood at a higher level in the past than at the present. It has therefore currently increasingly become difficult for graduates to find enough work in their field of specialty. Some become, if financially feasible, eternal students, stacking degree upon degree.  But now there is a whole (but not entirely new) field of requirements post-graduation if one aspires to ascend the greatest (or less great) concert podiums on planet earth. The mill of competitions and masterclasses.  The only way to get a coveted position at a major (or any, for that fact) artist agency is to win a competition AND get the backing of a major internationally acclaimed artist.


Now, there is a loop-hole that must be mentioned before I talk about competitions and masterclasses.  One can also chose another path and set up one’s own professional ensemble (be it choir or orchestra or chamber music group). This is a mountainous path; daunting, time-consuming, expensive without the right donors, exhausting.  However, considering the alternative, it could possibly be considerably easier than the other route.  It also necessitates a completely different skill set than the driven-on-talent-alone path. It entails entrepreneurship, impeccable organizational skills, social adeptness, and pure guts and I daresay the ability to be (extremely) pushy without becoming a nuisance. I’m not sure if I can claim any of these features in a 100 percentage, but once upon a time, I was especially good at putting enormous projects together, including Maria de Buenos Aires, the Tormis Festival, and my gigantic final exam at the CVA.


Getting back to the competition/masterclass route.  These are specifically designed to pluck out the driven-on-talent-alones, and they are particularly successful at it. In fact, I know for myself that I am not one of those greats, having witnessed pure talent and I dare to say original genius on various occasions. I’ll just drop a few names here that have crossed my path .. the Japanese conductor that won the Bartok Opera Competition in 2007 (don’t know his name), Mirga Gražinte, Natan Sugar (very young but bright future ahead), and Felix Bénati. And so it is for the highly educated and talented-but-not-genius such as myself to compete in these competitions along side the true winners to finance their rise to fame. Because finance we do, and how.


Let me explain the process that one goes through. I already mentioned the requirement of at least a Bachelors and Masters and preferably more from a respected institution, following lessons and dedicated daily practice from early childhood. Then come the hard part. One must actually get into the competition.  This requires a recommendation letter from an internationally recognised pedagogue or performer/conductor and really excellent video footage of, in this case, conducting.  Now, there are orchestras (or choirs, whatever you are going for), and there are orchestras. Conducting community orchestras is exceptionally difficult in that one must strive to preserve one's technique while inspiring and leading those who are, in necessity, giving more attention to their own techniek than following the conductor.  One can easily pick up bad habits. Just to speak of myself, I’ve spent years trying to get rid of bad habits that I did have a tendency towards, but lost sight of in the last 15 years and unfortunately let grow. Slow expressive movements in the Baroque or Classical (or Impressionist) style are actually my strongest repertoire, as I don’t have any tension and can completely focus on a beautiful transparent and expressive sound. Most chamber choir repertoire complements my style of conducting perfectly. However, with other repertoire such as heavy symphonic repertoire, I can now examine my horrible habits when I view previous and unfortunately recent footage. Let this be a reminder!! But now I’ve veered off from my explanation.


One needs really great video footage, face-on, to get into competitions.  That means, setting up an orchestra if you don’t have one at your disposal, which means a huge amount of work and time and money. If you do have an orchestra, you are at the mercy of their level. It’s strange and feels egotistical to set up face-on cameras at an (amateur) orchestra that you may have conducted for a while and that pays you to lead them, just to advance your own career.  However, it is vitally necessary! If you have great material from university/conservatory or other masterclasses and competitions, blessed be you.  They can get out of date, however. Some competitions require material no older than one year. Bastards. But when you send your documents to an international competition, including CV, bio, recommendations, entry money, and videos, you are then competition against hundreds, sometimes thousands of VERY talented musicians that are vying for the very same thing that you are. Oh, and I forgot. For most reputable competitions (thank goodness that there are now several acceptable exceptions!) there is an age limit of 35. So, if you are a woman and raised a family after your studies were finished, and at the same time tried valiantly to keep your career going by working at local ensembles, you are simply too old once the kids are at an age where you can think about international advancement of your career.


So, congratulations, you were one of the chosen out of hundreds or thousands! You need to still pay the rest of the entry money (which can be anything between 500-2000 euros), pay for transportation which usually and unfortunately entails a flight, and hopefully find cheap accommodation.  Of course you need have real scores, and preferably the urtext, for conducting. If you are an instrumentalist, you need to have a very very good instrument, which you either finance yourself, or get on loan from an institution, but of course that is another journey you have to travel.


I think that I have omitted a rather important detail, or, details. You have to study the scores.  A lot.  I'm talking about not only weeks, but months of study for some of the repertoire for particular competitions. I remember having to prepare 5(?) operas for an opera conducting competition. I think I spent about 5 months on that one. You need to research.  You need to keep up your instrument.  You need to speak several languages next to the obvious language of music making. You need to be articulate and eloquent. And if you have personality issues, you need to working on becoming a good person. Anything can be worked against you these days.


I have done 3 competitions and other quasi competitions veiled as masterclasses, and most have been with Eastern European orchestras that play reasonably well and are generally and mostly open, generous, and responsive to all of the participants. Of course you always have your few frustrated, bored, embittered musicians in the orchestra that passively sabotage the music making, but in general, the orchestras try their very best to follow and make music with all of those strange birds that ascend their conductor’s podium.


So what do you get out of it? There are obvious benefits. You meet other conductors and observe them, which you would never have otherwise had access to. You can get inspired by their methods, take over their moves if they have same body build, see what works and what doesn’t in their rehearsal techniek. It gets you new (and of course, recent) video footage that you can use to get into the next competition. On the slight chance that you do win against all of the other exceptional talents that were invited, you get the golden ticket of invitations to conduct professional orchestras and possibly be admitted to an artist agency.


HOWEVER. I know, I know, this is going to sound horribly discouraging. Say that you win a competition, because you are obviously incredibly talented, perhaps genius. You’ve been invited here and there. Does that guarantee further advancement in your career? No.  Damn it. Bloody truth. No.


When examining the biographies of various outstanding conductors that I have been with at competitions, some of them have actually won not only 1 but sometimes 2 competitions.  So why in the world would they be coming back for more!? Why do they not have enough work to keep them away from this millstone of competition madness?! One guy I asked replied that the covid restrictions required him to start from scratch again. Meaning, winning a competition, even a well-known one, has an expiration date. Let that sink in. Those few engagements that you win along with your prize are not a guarantee AT ALL that there will be more invitations waiting for you.  In fact, you can be darned sure that those invitations are going to the conductors that win competitions in the years following your own win.


Le Sigh. In brief, our world is madness.  One can only be insane to pursue a career in music.


So to wrap up. You now know what it entails to be a professional musician with the ambition to have an international career.  Compare it to your own path in whatever professional you may have.  Does it elicit some sympathy and understanding as to why musicians have the right to be paid just as well as any “normal” job that requires a high level of education?

Preparations are underway for the Fricsay Conducting Competition in Szeged, Hungary.  First round:  my absolute favorite work by Brahms.  Symphony #1, last movement.  His love for Clara just oozes out of the notes.  The alpine birthday song filled with joy, love, and longing. 

Last weekend the Leiden English Choir under my musical direction collaborated with the City of Oxford Choir and the Thames Children's Choir under the direction of Duncan Aspden with organist Timothy Wakerell and cellist Annelies Scott.
My piece To See a World had its second performance at the stunning Town Hall. So much has to be said about this experience but words fail me at the moment.  Suffice it to say that the town is beautiful, the collaboration was heartfelt, and the children of the choir brought us to tears with their beautiful voices.