Femke Boersma - vriendin van mijn moeder Marijke, onofficiële peetmoeder voor mij en dierbare vriendin.  Ze was een krachtig persoon door de zorg en liefde die zij zo genereus uitdeelde.  Juist door het goede te doen kreeg zij macht en kon ze de levens van anderen vormgeven en ook bepalen. Dat is met mij gebeurd, en daarom sta ik nu in Nederland en niet in de VS, en daarom zijn mijn kinderen Eva en Abel ook de wereld in gekomen. Ik kende haar pas in de tweede helft van haar leven, toen ze bekend was als echtgenote van Frits Bolkestein. Dat zij een groots carrière als actrice achter de rug had was mij pas veel later duidelijk, want daar vertelde ze niet zo veel over, tenzij je het vroeg. Voor mij was ze de liefste Femke, en toen mijn kinderen geboren werden, Oma Fem.  

Femke was altijd benieuwd naar mij als kind, want ze wist precies wat er met mijn moeder Marijke was gebeurd, en ze vouwde haar vleugels uit om mij te omarmen toen Marijke dat niet meer kon doen.  Ze waarschuwde mijn vader dat de verhuizing naar Amerika alleen maar ellende zou betekenen voor Marijke, en ze had gelijk. Dus, van een afstand deed ze wat ze kon om de tij te keren, en uiteindelijk "won" ze van mijn vader, met liefde en met toewijding.  Ze zorgde voor leuke uitjes als ik in Nederland was als kind, zoals een vakantie bij hun huis in Frankrijk in Ramousies, een fietstocht langs de Amstel, een etentje bij een bijzonder Chinees restaurantje in Amsterdam, en ook een confronterende voorspeelmiddag op viool en fluit voor de vrouw van Edo de Waard.  Maar het was tussen 2006-7 dat ze mijn leven veranderde.  Ik was 25, bijna 26, en werkte bij het Edward Said National Conservatory of Music, waar ik een 1 jarig contract had.  Naar aanleiding van mijn email updates besloot ze dat ze mij zou komen opzoeken. (overigens lees ik terug in mijn correspondentie dat mijn vader dat ook serieus overwoog maar toch afhaakte in verband met de complicaties). Frits had een werk afspraak in het King David hotel in Jerusalem, en ik zorgde ervoor dat Femke werd opgehaald om veilig door de checkpoints heen te komen naar Ramallah door Rami, een bevriende taxi chauffeur.  Een dappere vrouw, 70 jaar oud, kwam mij vrolijk opzoeken in de Westelijke Oever in een tijd dat het zelfs daar ook onrustig was geworden.  Het was al lente, en ze vroeg mij, wat doe je hierna?  En toen ik haar vertelde dat mijn droom nog steeds was om opera dirigent te worden maar dat ik nog helemaal niet wist welke stappen ik moest nemen, en dat retour naar de VS voor de hand lag, zei ze tegen mij “kom maar terug naar Nederland.  Ik help je totdat jij je plek hebt gevonden.”  En zo geschiedde.  Femke vond een prachtige kamer voor mij, hielp mij met connecties, en betaalde mijn huur totdat ik zelf op mijn benen kon staan. Zij bleef mij steunen in mijn carrière.  Ze kwam samen met Frits naar mijn amateurkoor concerten in Leiden.  Ze kwam ook helemaal naar Cluj-Napoca in 2008 of 9 om de productie van Maria de Buenos Aires te zien waar ik de muzikale leiding van had.  Wat een vrouw.  Ze deed het uit liefde en ook ter ere van haar vriendschap met Marijke.  Ook ging ze namens Marijke, omdat die het niet meer kon, cadeaus langsbrengen voor Ton en Irene, voor de zorg die ze al het hele leven van mijn zus Sanna op zich hebben genomen. 

Hierboven en onder zijn twee foto's van Oma Fem met mijn prachtige dochter Eva. Deze beeldschone vrouw was gewoon al 76!

De liefde en zorg die Femke in zich droeg en vrij uitdeelde is de verbindende factor van de mensheid die ons nog hoop geeft. Of ik al haar liefde en steun heb verdiend weet ik niet zo goed. Maar wat overblijft is diep respect, dankbaarheid, en liefde voor deze fantastische vrouw.  Ze is een voorbeeld van de mooiste van de mensheid voor mij.

Dank Femke, voor alles.

It's the last day of 2025 and I wanted to share what has driven me in the past months, and what is my goal for the coming year.  In short:  manifesting joy.  Not only for myself, but primarily for others.  The principle of "homo ludens," the playful human, stimulates the brain and the soul in such a more inspirational way than the feeling of obligation.  At the same time, manifesting joy is perhaps the only way to combat the darkness and the festering cancer that is consuming the world.  

While music doesn't literally nourish people, or provide transport, or any other simply functional item, it does nourish the soul, connects people, uplifts their spirits, stimulates the brain and creates neural networks that no other activity is able to do.  Music, therefore, can manifest joy.  As one of my heros, Michael Jackson, said, we can "Heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me, and the entire human race. There are people dying.  When you care enough for the living, make a better place for you and for me." 

My situation: The steps that I have taken in the past years to arrive at this need for new perspective in life have been professionally and personally daring and at times difficult.  Some decisions were forced upon me, and with others I myself took the initiative after a prolongated thought process.  The most important aspects of my professional situation:  are my talents being used to their full potential to bring joy to others and do create something positive in the world?  Are my talents being rewarded adequately, being it financially or with other results?  Am I myself utilising my time and my talents for a good cause, or am I just filling time?  I'm not there yet, but I am close.  One of the most important themes for me is the situation of children world-wide.

Children are miraculous.  They have hope, potential, and are wise because they are so open to observation without being hindered by the layers of adulthood.   They are bursting with creativity, easily open their hearts to honest emotions, and drink gratefully and greedily at the fount of knowledge.  Children are our future.  They are the hope for the human race.  They are our key to survival.  They trust us to surround them with support and safety.

The safety of children is not guaranteed in some (even many) parts of the world.  Confronted with the bad decisions of adults, and with the rage that ensues, too many children are ruined, traumatised, and even murdered.  Hind Rajab was one of those children who was literally surrounded by the rage of the world.  In the company of  her dead family in a small car, with looming tanks with guns towering over her from all directions, this 5 year old girl desperately used her cousin's mobile phone to call the emergency responders at the Red Cross to come and save her.  Listening back to this call is heart-breaking.  Two weeks later, when the area was finally accessible (two ambulance workers were killed when they tried to reach her), they found her dead, the car riddled with more than 300 bullets.  The trauma of this girl's death has created deep shocks throughout the world.  

The USA has cut back on international aid drastically.  Some important NGOs that contribute significants amounts of care and aid are forbidden by certain countries of delivering aid that is desperately needed.  We the people need to stand up and change this. It is up to every one of us that is able to give to ensure that children throughout the whole world have a healthy and happy existence.  Our very survival depends on this.

It's easy to slump in despair, as little seems to change.  And yet, everywhere I look, there are people helping.  There are people taking time out of their daily life to make a difference.  Tirelessly, creatively, passionately.

78 people are joining me to create Voices for Children, a benefit concert for Doctors without Borders.  Come join us on the 22nd of January in Amsterdam Zuid to see and hear a beautiful concert.  Donate to our cause, start the year with a good deed.  Help us to manifest joy.  The children need us.  

I'll be posting more about the music and the people joining us in the coming days and weeks.  I am looking forward to seeing you there.

​https://www.ensemble42.nl/voicesforchildren.html

The last weeks of 2024 slipped by with a myriad of activity.  I conducted several concerts of primarily the Snowman (Howard Blake) with Jonge Strijkers. This was a challenge that I hadn't anticipated, but a brilliantly fun one.  Syncing 25 minutes of orchestral music to a film in which mere seconds make or break the concert is exciting, if not slightly terrifying.  It was a great learning experience, and to my surprise, we pulled it off quite well.  There is one more concert on the 19th of January, and it is again, sold out.  

The kids and I popped out to Belgium directly after the concert on the 21st, and enjoyed a short but sweet little holiday before we pulled off a splendid Christmas at home on the 25th.  

Looking back on this year, it has been quite a ride, emotionally and for my career.  As every year slips by, it's easy to forget, especially in the flurry of activity as a career woman and a mother, how incredibly much was done in one single year.  From conducting various orchestras and choirs, setting up my own foundation, singing in many different ensembles and tours, playing violin with my daughter, participating in Maestra, teaching in a quite large number of elementary schools and developing my own music method, it's no wonder that I felt quite empty.  I spent the last hours of 2024 curled up on my coach with my cat, reading a book and enjoying the solitude.  

I'm picking up the thread with enthusiasm.  My first two days with two schools left me with a grin on my face.  It's time to make music again.  

The summer weeks of 2024 are almost over, and they have been a whirlwind of very exciting and enervating activity.  The first week found all three of us at Jonge Strijkers summer camp at Nyenrode Business University, in which I led the first edition of the new youngest group: Kids.  They were simply lovely and it was as if they had been at every previous edition as well.  They blended in splendidly, and added a positive and enthusiast vibe that infected the other groups as well.
A week of repose and preparation (and house repairs) ensued, and that flung me into the following weeks of activity:  a tour with Amsterdam Baroque to the Iteneraire Baroque Festival singing St John Passion, a week of rehearsals conducting the Vocaal Ensemble Tien in a small luxurious castle in the Ardennes, a week of Buitenkunst Drenthe, and finally the current week of vacation in the Alps.  

I just want to take a little bit of time to elaborate upon Buitenkunst. Buitenkunst has always been a bizarre place which can be fantastic, exhausting, frustrating, energising, mind-blowing, and fascinating.  I have been working there off and on as a conductor for singing workshops since 2009. It is a very welcome job for the summer months, and doesn't have any effect on one's career in a positive or negative way.  It is so entirely itself, that working there cannot put one in any box, and cannot upgrade or downgrade a career path.  

There have been some years in which I have been absolutely stunned by the amount of creativity that amasses there.  The product can be nothing at all, but it can also be surprisingly overwhelming, delightful.  Nothing can be really planned beforehand. One doesn't know which and how many participants will chose one's program.  The knowledge that they bring with them is also unknown.  Of course, many days are experimental flops. However, many days are also huge successes, considering that all involved, with the exception of the workshop leader,  are amateurs. 

This year was different than before.  My music colleagues and I worked well and respectfully with each other.  There was a new theater teacher specialising in puppet theater, and she and I (in collaboration with three others) created two succesful projects that I hope I won't forget for a long while.  The first was totally spontaneous.  It was chance that she was doing something with Japanese puppets, and I was offering a Japanese song on the same day (with choreography). We created a collaboration with each of our 12 member groups, and were able to perform it in the evening.  One of my participants came to me on the last day, and told me that it was possibly her favorite workshop of the week.  Again, completely unexpected.  

On the last day, we (5 teachers) created a mega collaboration with an intro with dance and choir with snippets from Jurassic Park, followed by an orchestral and choral version of the main theme from Jurassic Park, accompanied by a massive puppet show of half human, half dinosaur puppets running through the field and audience.  It was a tremendous success, and cemented the new friendship between me and Cat (puppet theater teacher).  

Two special side notes:  one of the young women in my orchestra doesn't read music and wanted to join anyways.  I constructed a sort of timpani part with two bass drums from two drumsets, and put a cymbal in between.  She totally rocked the "timpani" part, and was absolutely fantastic on the suspended cymbal.  She learned how to warm it up during a 2 measure buildup and crashed it at exactly the right moment 2 times during the piece.  She is absolutely a born percussionist.  I sincerely hope that she finds a way to continu.  The second instance was a bassist that also played in the orchestra.  He told me that he had NEVER played in orchestra, and that he just loved the experience.  If anything makes me happy, it is those two wonderful people.  I don't need to stand in front of the Concertgebouw to be happy.  Give me a mumble jumble orchestra in a forest with these type of people, along side an amazing collaboration, and that is exactly what brings me joy.  Keep on making music!

I finally came away from Buitenkunst with the feeling:  yes, I can't wait until next year.  Let's keep the flame of creativity and collaboration alive. 

In just a few days I will be heading to Paris with an amazing fan club for the La Maestra Conducting Competition.  Wim, Suzanne (and family), Ria, Frans, Irene, Ton, Sanna, and Lineke; what a joy and honor for me that you will be joining me in Paris to support me.  It warms my heart to have such amazing people around me at this important event.  I'm grateful to you!

My favourite composers at the moment are:
(early) G.F. Händel, JS Bach, W.A. Mozart
(orchestral later) Shostakovich, Prokofiev, Stravinsky, Ravel
(choral and strings) Pēteris Vasks, Mäntyjärvi, Arvo Pärt, Rautavaara, Knut Nystedt

It says a lot that the Romantics don't really pull my strings anymore.  Thank goodness round 1 has two of my composers listed above, and round two is completely unknown music next to two pieces that I can perform in my sleep.  (I've sung Parto Parto for at least a decade). 

The last round, would I get that far, will be a joy.  Brahms 4, which I conducted in a final exam 20 years ago, Beethoven 8, one of my favourite Beethoven's, Debussy's Fētes, one of the only pieces that I like by the composer, and a new very experimental piece by Manon Lepauvre.

Allons-y!

After six months of a roiling amount of emotions elicited by a constant bombardement of horrific news emitting from the Palestinian territories, it seemed impossible to concentrate.   I can't describe in words the amount of emotional turmoil that this season has brought to me.  Rage at the amount of brainwashing causing the allowance of indiscriminate terror upon millions of people, fear of consequences of speaking out, a blasé feeling about making what I feel is sometimes superficial music in such a time of grief, whereas before music seemed all-important, concern about my future career and ability to support my children, concern about my children's future in a world falling apart politically, economically, and environmentally.  All of these deep feelings of insecurity, horror, helplessness, fear.... I know many of us are able to keep going simply by suppressing the majority of these feelings.  If we let them in, they, as a flood, would overwhelm our brains, and society would completely fall apart even more than it is doing now.  However, I also know that those of us who are highly sensitive have difficulty to stem the tide.  We are the ones who find it, in these terrible times, incredibly hard to concentrate.  
I feel for you, I stand by you, I support you.  Let us stand together to look forward, to help those that are left, and to be there especially for the children of tomorrow who so desperately need our help.  Keep a goal in mind.  Concentrate.

I stepped in the train at Amsterdam Centraal today to go to a rehearsal in Lelystad, and was sitting by the entrance so as to keep eye on my folding bike, when a relatively young (25-30?) man with a friendly appearance stepped in and caught my eye.  We shared a smile, and a few minutes later I noticed a keffiyeh almost hidden underneath his jacket collar.  As I had a stack of flyers for the benefit concert for the children of Gaza with me, and wanted to offer him one, I asked if I could give it to him because I noticed his shawl.  He immediately replied, "I'm from Gaza," upon ensued a very pleasant and open conversation with him and with two other people, that just as I were full of curiosity and questions and were standing in the same carriage.  A story came out which can only be described as incredulous.  He moved here three years ago, and has a legal status to work in the Netherlands.  This is one of those immigrants that does the jobs that we would rather not do, for wages that are probably suboptimal.  In any case, he is very glad to be away from Gaza, because "it is just terrible there." We didn't go into the specifics.  But, three years ago, it was already terrible there.  He had to bribe an Egyptian border guard to be able to get out and to travel to Cairo, upon which his journey begin to Turkey, Greece, North Macedonia, Kosovo, Serbia, Hungary, Austria, and through to the Netherlands.  He walked most of the way from Turkey until Hungary, swimming a river and climbing high mountains for three days.  He said that many who couldn't swim simply died in the river, and those who couldn't climb didn't make it either.  At one point the police found them and brought them back to the border, but they just went back again and this time, were not caught.  

He spoke to his father four days ago during the temporary cease-fire.  He has not heard from them since. The strange thing about this man is that he remained cheerful pleasant, even when describing hardships and difficulties.  I told him he is my guest at the benefit concert on the 15th of December.  

The beautiful conversation that the four of us had, strange for a train ride in which normally nobody every speaks to anybody, is exactly what the benefit concert TROOST wants to elicit.  It's a place for contact, for real interaction, music, consolation, listening to one another.  Please come.  Please feel welcome. Please help us to give a little light, comfort, and help to the children that so desperately need it now in Gaza.  Let's raise 10,000 euros for those 1 million children!  

To reserve a seat make a donation and send an email to [email protected].  If you can't make it, all donations are still very welcome!  Thank you.  

Collapse - How Societies Chose to Fail or Survive 
Jared Diamond

Reading is essential to understand the world.  Illiteracy is one of the most dangerous elements of the developed world.  25% of Dutch teenagers are incapable of understanding written text.  Spread the word.  Support literacy.  

Many are walking on thin ice at this time, and I feel the same way.  My heart and mind are torn and broken at the world situation.  Yet I know that there are horrific consequences to population explosions and religious dogmas, as described by Jared Diamond's book Collapse.  The collapse is starting now, and people like Bernie Sanders seem to be the only ones standing bravely in the face of the tsunami.  

Please donate to help the Palestinians.  At the current moment Israel is bombing everything in Gaza.  1 million people have become homeless in less than a week, more than 7000 are dead, a substantial amount of those children.  Little to no supplies have been able to enter the territory.  When we wake up tomorrow there might be no one to donate for, but for moralities sake, give generously for those who might survive.

https://www.map.org.uk/
https://www.unrwa.org/
https://www.wfp.org