This might become a post that is relatable to many people and estranging to some.  I'm going to talk about something that has little to do with music but can have a significant effect on performance of music or otherwise. 

I'm going to talk about the effects of stress coming from a poisonous atmosphere deriving from a bad relationship.  I'll take you through my own experience and perhaps it resounds somewhere.  I have two children with my ex-partner, and we have been separated since the children were 6 and 4.  They are now 10 and almost 12.  In other words, it's been a while.  

It was a terrible separation that caused a lot of emotional harm, exhaustion, worry, and stress. The negotiations took more than a year, during which my ex was sleeping in the work room in the attic. It was a very awkward year, in which I was still dealing with being the only functioning parent for reasons which I will not expose on the internet, and having to live with the very person that was causing so much upheaval and emotional harm.  Eventually, as the dust settled, and everybody had their own living situation arranged, things started to work in a new pattern.  It took much getting used to, and it necessitated me to have a student living in the house to take care of the kids when I was working, because I always worked in the evenings rehearsing orchestras and choirs in different cities.  I must say, it's a miracle that I continued to function at any level at all, considering the exhaustion, emotional and physical, that I was exposed to.  We gave up a lot of privacy having various students living in the house, but at least we were all able to function in a reasonable way again.

Then came corona, the next level of extreme stress for those working in the cultural sector.  To this very day I still cannot fathom why society became borderline in such a fashion.  The extreme frustration of that time still baffles me, and like giving birth, my brain has decided to eliminate all memories to prevent mental breakdown.  In any case, the result of corona was that I did not need a student in house any more, and we were happy to have our home to ourselves, finally.  We also hoped that it was to stay.  However, it was not to be.  

After society opened again, I had more trust in my ex, and whereas before I was hesitant, now I could ask him in a trustworthy fashion to help with extra days when I was working, which in the past would have been taken up by the student room'er.  It suddenly became a lot, as the workload increased simply exponentially.  

All of a sudden, there was a giant step on the brakes from my ex's side.  The question is whether that came from himself or from his new girlfriend who was living with him, and examining the situation, I presume the latter. In any case, nothing was possible anymore.  Any hint of flexibility was out of the question.  In fact, it went to the opposite.  My ex went out of his way to make my working life difficult.  It became apparent to me that he was going out of his way to sabotage my career.  If that came out of jealousy, out of still dormant anger, out of his girlfriends reign of terror in their house.. who knows.  In any case, his aim succeeded.  My working life was absolutely sabotaged.  Stress caused me to malfunction.  My ensembles saw me taking the kids to rehearsals, concerts, etc, because no babysitter could be found, the ex didn't want them, and I had no choice.  Invitations stopped coming, and I was fired as director of a choir that I had stood in front of for almost 14 years.   So Bravo to you, ex, for succeeding in ruining this year for me.  This, people, is what stress does.  And the sad thing is, he doesn't realise that taking care that the other parent is able to function is actually to his benefit as well, as that has a direct effect upon the children. 

Things are changing rapidly now.  I have another student coming to live in the house soon, and I'm changing my working career to something that is more local, speaks more directly to my talents, and has a future.  But it is not easy.  

Word to the wise.  Imparting stress upon other people is a negative societal cycle that does not benefit anyone in the long run.  

My mother was a fantastically creative but tragic figure.  She pined away in a care center and eventually the hospital, after battling depression and other physical ailments (Parkinsons) quite likely caused by the copious amounts of medicine that she consumed to battle the demons inside.  She died at 55 looking 90, alone in a lonely hospital room, unable to move.  

Her story is an important one.  Full of wit, intelligence, history, culture, she was. And yet life bludgeoned her multiple times.  I have suitcases full of letters, a literary draft, pictures, articles of her life.  It is my intention to use her words and her story to write an opera.  The first steps are to go through all of her material and find a cohesive line to explain how her experiences made her unravel. 

Part of the tragedy:  she wrote this in 1984 and ended up exactly as she describes when she died in 1998.  ----Heb drie dagen in een verzorgingstehuis voor zeer ouderen gewerkt, omdat ik dacht: zorgen dat heb ik mijn hele leven al gedaan, waarom er dus niet eens voor betaald worden! Het was erger dan het ergste dat ik ooit heb meegemaakt. De voorstelling van het werktheater was er een komediestukje bij. Meneer, ik wil niet meewerken aan mensen in leven houden. Zelfs niet door ze iedere dag vol met eten te proppen: Open your mouth Bee! Open up! Good!  Now that’s a good girl! … tegen een vroegere onderwijzeres. Levende lijken die wakker gemaakt worden, gedoucht en aangekleed, eten erin gedouwd, voor de tv gezet, naar de kerk gebracht, jawel. Een kleine scheur langs een hand maakt een wond, beenderen zo bros dat een klein duwtje het laat breken, en hun ogen die smeken dat God hun zielen terugneemt. Gelovig en wel, jawel! Maar geen pilletje. Het leven is toch zeker heilig! Waarom zegt niemand verdomme eens, dat het helemaal niet heilig is? Waarom laat niemand het woord vallen dat er maar eens doodgegaan moet worden? Enfin, na drie dagen stonk ik zo naar de dood, was ik zo intens woest op onze immense dommigheid, dat ik per telefoon liet weten van deze carrière af te zien.  Toch is het gek. Ik was er verrekte goed in, en voor zover ze er iets van in de gaten hadden, aanbaden mijn oudjes de grond onder mijn voeten. En ik hield ook van ze, al was het alleen al omdat die vermoeide ogen zoveel gezien hadden, zoveel. “Sister, will you call my daughter for me?  She will get me out.” Met een zekerheid van dat kunnen ze me toch niet aandoen. En dat de hele dag lang, zeven dagen in de week. Ik keek haar in de ogen en zei: je komt er niet uit. Nooit. En toen huilden we samen. ​---

 2023 (the year in which I have the magical age of 42, a lucky number) is the year in which I feel I am at a great crossroad.  The question that is dominating my mind at the present is in which direction I want to go. Every direction seems enticing in its own way.  There are several which are pulling at me more than the others. First and foremost, it is imperative that "we" work at stimulating classical music, and music making in general, in the next generation.  I want to play a large role in this. I believe that making music is a realistic way to inspire healthy communication and goodwill between people of all nations and ranks of life.  The rather cliché "earth without art is just eh" is actually quite appropriate.  Of course the earth could rather care less about the destructive humans rummaging about on it's surface, but for humanity itself, art makes one feel needed, alive, bound to each other and the cosmos, and inspires us to bring out our best qualities in a non-destructive manner.

My work with amateurs in the last decade has troubled me in the sense that there is very little inflow of younger people into ensembles that have proudly existed for decades, even centuries.    

For this coming year, therefore, I will be expanding my work with children.  The previous decades has allowed me to work with children as a conductor and teacher in various orchestras and choirs in Palestine and the Netherlands, and of course with my own wonderful children, Eva and Abel.  This year I will continue to work with more groups at Nieuw Vocaal Amsterdam, Jonge Strijkers, and am looking into even further possibilities with other organizations.   

The next directions that I am contemplating on pursuing are exciting and daring, but also needed for my personal development.  My dream has always been to be an opera conductor (after having tasted it during my assistantship at the IU opera theater in Bloomington)  and to step into the professional conducting world.  It's time to really push for my dreams.  I have applied for two conducting competitions this year, after having done two masterclasses with Jorma Panula in the past year. (for those who don't know me.. I have a masters in orchestral conducting from IU Bloomington and a bachelors in violin cum laude from SFSU).  It's time to feel the discomfort of instability, and to push myself to welcome a new step in my musical career.  

The last road which I am currently contemplating is management.  This is a scary road which brings much responsibility and knowledge that I am not yet a master of.  This might even be a complete step away from the musical world.  As I know of myself, seeds of thought are planted and sometimes take years to germinate.  We shall see.

There is a budding compositional idea being formed as well - Marijke.  (my mother).  

A lot of griping about leaders doesn't lead to any solutions if the problem itself are the constituents (or better said, their participation and behaviour).  This is true for countries, businesses, schools, sports teams, and yes, choirs and orchestras.  I've recently had a discussion with one of the amateur ensemble board members that I have worked with about the problem of a dwindling amount of players in a particular section.  The blame was partly shoved to my plate, whereas the real problem lay in the fact that the players that felt uncomfortable and therefore left were 1. attending rehearsals where they were the only player of their section because the others didn't attend for various reasons, 2. or they themselves didn't attend enough rehearsals because of various work/family reasons.  All in all, lax attendance was the real culprit, causing a downward spiral of motivation within that particular section. The rest of the ensemble didn't have any problems (except for the fact that that particular part was thinned out and sometimes completely absent or technically inadequate).  It goes without saying that it makes my job as a conductor difficult to perform adequately.

One of the things that was stamped into our education in the USA not only during school, but also at sports activities, orchestra, and swimming, was the fact that participation and attendance was a large part of your grade.  Perfect attendance was rewarded, absence was frowned upon, and only with a doctor's note could one get free.  The USA (back then) knew that the group only functions as a whole when its constituents are dedicated to whatever goal it has.   

I am constantly thinking about my role as a conductor, and I think (and hope) that I've evolved over the years.  If that's for the better, I'm not sure.  I'm sure that youthful enthousiasme and wit has its benefits.  Age brings wisdom, sagacity, and understanding of the whims of man, but also fatigue and impaired mental capacity due to stress factors.  It might might also bring a bore-out if one does not find the proper motivational freshness.  
To not diverge too much, the point of this is that a certain simple saying has been my mantra for the past 6 approximate months.  Make it better.  Find a way with respect, calmness, and clarity to help the musicians constantly find a better sound to fit the score.  When the personal ego gets in the way, one must remind oneself that the musicians are looking for your guidance to make the whole sound better.  

Yesterday I performed (as a singer in the choir) in the performance of Symphony #9 by Beethoven in the Concertgebouw with the following line-up.  Cappella Amsterdam (professionals) supporting the VU Kamerkoor (amateurs), the Orchestra of the 18th Century (of course the best professionals) and soloists Katherin Dain, Esther Kuiper, et etc, all led by Jonathan Darlington.  

First off, generally speaking I was extremely happy with the professional, empathetic, vigorous, musical, and precise conducting by this gentleman.  Finally!  I conductor who can do it all, and that with a healthy and friendly attitude.  

The singers were invited to join the O18 because they were hosting a Beethoven Festival.  They had an absolutely gruelling schedule of daily rehearsals of various pieces and three evening performances in a row:  day 1 Beethoven 1 and Violin Concerto, day 2 Erioca and the 5th piano concerto, and day 3 the 9th Symphony.  We, of course, only joined for the 4th movement of the 9th.  My observation, having heard this orchestra in collaborations numerous times, was the following:  they had a very amicable and yet powerful musical bond with this particular conductor (I've seen them hate a conductor as well).  The musicality of the strings, timpani, and some winds, including the fabulous 1st bassoonist just bloomed under his direction. In particular I have to mention the 1st violin section, which under the leadership of Alexander J. was technically and musically impressive.  It was a huge Beethoven, raw and over the top where needed, emotionally vulnerable, without boundaries. 
The 1st and 2nd movements of the ninth were the height of their passions, abilities, and technique. 
And now I get to the "however."  The third movement I attribute to a management blunder.  The embouchure and concentration of winds and perhaps also conductor were struggling with fatigue.  Intonation, which I have a high ability to forgive in such circumstances, became an unavoidable irritation.  The 4th movement rekindled the energy and brought the symphony to a roaring standing ovation.  However, that 3rd movement still bothers me.  The O18 is simply a fabulous orchestra that under this particular conductor, could have sounded at their very best.  I think that the  management needs to analyze how far they can actually push these musicians without compromising quality.  A full rehearsal day on the same day as a concert of the 9th, after a long full week and two concerts of different repertoire is simply too much to ask of the wind's embouchure and the concentration of all the players and, let's not forget, the conductor!  

The orchestra is embarking on a new path, and many great steps are being taken to ensure the future of the orchestra.  To that, bravo!

Probably for the 3rd and last time, I'll be taking a masterclass from Jorma Panula again.  This time the repertoire is Ravel La Mere L'Oye, Dvorak's Carnival Overture, and Mozart 39.  We received an email yesterday (3 days prior to masterclass) that we would also be conducting Brahms 3 and Sibelius 6.  So instead of writing this blog, I should actually be studying my ass off.  
Sibelius 6 I did with Panula last year, but even as I look at the score, I wonder, why did I do that then?  Strange how time forms the bizarre mushroom in your skull called the brain.  And Brahms 3.. I did that with Panula in 2007.  He must recycle.  Not bad pieces to do so with.  The violin part is in any case less daunting than it was back in my orchestral violinist days.  Crossing the fingers (well, toes are more appropriate) at the leaps of faith still applies.  
I remember in any case that the orchestra in Budapest was not so musically warm and communicative as I had hoped.  Of course they played well, but there was a wall between us conductors and them.  This situation is different.  There will be a 19 piece ensemble (I'll play along as well, seems much more fun than sitting around waiting my turn).  Far from complete... 

What's been on my mind recently is the future of classical music.  I see my orchestra petering out (literally).  In my choirs there are young people, but not nearly enough to replenish the old, especially tenors and basses.  The Netherlands, (and the world), on the other hand, becomes fuller and fuller and fuller of people who have nothing to do with, or no interest in, or not enough schooling for practicing a musical art form.  The world is becoming full of emptiness.  

Less is more less is more less is more...

Some day I might start my own school where-in children sing and play an instrument daily.  It's been on my mind.

I have performed in hundreds and hundreds of concerts in my lifetime.  As a child, I was the fast one, the one that got annoyed at the slowness of others and the ineptitude of various conductors.  I was the one that wanted to participate, to move to the music.  I longed to move the group.  I was a leader. I guess that it's only natural that I wanted to become a conductor.  It sounds ridiculous, but I think it's the same reason that girls are often obsessed (as I was) with horses.  To control something big, to have an emotional bond with the animal, to feel the wind course through your hair on a trail ride canter, the exhilaration, the smells, the empathy, the danger.  Your youthful energy and enthousiasme makes it possible.  The thing is, is it necessary to retain this as age sets in?  As the need subsides?  Is it a sign of maturation, in a positive manner, that the need to lead changes and slightly subsides?  Does that fact that experience teaches you to temper yourself and to accept the tempo around you instead of push it on, show signs of a bore-out, or is this natural?  

The concept of conducting has always been a questionable issue for me.  What is the need for a conductor?  Are we simply there to pull up those who can't pull their own weight to join those who can, or do we only give that extra bit of fire, or do we, as a benevolent dictator, lead the group to follow our own "brilliant" vision of how something should go, or do we simply feel empathy for the group dynamic and subtly help it to bloom?

Over the years and before a huge variety of ensembles that I've stood in front of, I have been all of the above.  Perhaps a palette is needed due to the incredibly diverse levels that one deals with in the music world.  

Sigh.  The search continues.  How closely it resembles political systems.  The question that I have been grappling lately is:  a conductor-less ensemble (including chamber music groups.).  Does it represent communism in it's best form (one in which everybody pulls their own weight before it descends into lethargic "hangmat" socialism), or is it truly a democracy? 

I like to start the mornings when my kids are at their father's, after having slept in a bit and eaten my traditional bowl of muesli with fruit and kefir, with playing Bach.  I feel as if this mental yoga clears up my mind, sorts the myriads of thoughts tumbling over each other.  Today I played the G minor Fugue from the first Sonata.  And as I stood in my sun-drenched living room, delighting in the views of my blooming pear tree and calm street, a few thoughts passed by that I though would be good to write down.  
First, I was bothered a week ago by a post by a facebook friend.  He had posted a picture of a shoot coming out of a tree, stating that nature always comes back, and that we don't need to do anything to aid it.  Harmless as it may seem, this statement shrouds far-right frustration and ignorance, both of which are having dangerous repercussions in society.  Looking out of my window this morning, I see a huge amount of blooming trees and shrubs: all empty.  Not a single flying insect adorns their perfumed en enticing blossoms.  When I first moved to this house 12 years ago, there were hundreds of butterflys and several species of bees, bumblebees, and of course, wasps.  I have literally seen their numbers decimated over the years.  The year after all of the old trees were removed in order to tear up the street for sewer removal, was the most devastating.  Most of the butterflies were gone after that.  

The idea that we do not need to do anything to protect nature is astoundingly stupid.  When we have crowded out literally every other species on earth with our increasing population, it is VITALLY necessary that we do protect nature, and with that I mean animals, plants, AND their habitats.  Not only out of shame for being the cause of so much species extinction, but also out of purely selfish reasons, for without a stable ecosystem, our own survival is at risk.  

After writing down this first thought, the second will have to wait. 

I am preparing Antonin Dvořák's Carnival Overture at the moment, and as I frequently do, I play through all the string parts and write my own bowings and fingerings.  As this is a very virtuosic piece, I am hanging around the 1ste violin part for quite a while.  Just for a laugh, I decided to see which recording I could play along with on Spotify.  I started with Concertgebouw under Chailly and was very unpleasantly surprised.  He asked the orchestra to do un-human feats of accomplishment with out of proportion (literally, as the last piu mosso was almost impossible) fast tempi.  The orchestra in 1988 must have been comprised of exclusively virtuoso strings and secondly, must have been in survival modus and severely pissed off after this recording.   Anyhow, I then switched over to Boston with Seiji Ozawa and subsequently I breathed a sigh of relief.  Everything is clear as a bell, playful and in character, and most of all, playable with room for musicality and enjoyment.  Keep that in mind, conductor's looking for a thrill and ego boost!!

Just this last week I joined the Amsterdam Baroque Orchestra and Choir in two performances of the B minor Mass by J.S. Bach under the astounding direction of Ton Koopman.  I am ashamed to say that this all took place on the island group of Gran Canaria.  I am not proud of joining the international fleet of musicians who hop from here to there to "do their thing," and yet this seemed to important and great an opportunity to miss. 
Let's be real.  Ton Koopman is a legend.  At 78, he is still conducting with the energy of a 20 year old.  On the day of the concert, he easily gives a lecture at a local university before rehearsing and finally conducting the concert.  He is well organized, having written out a plan before rehearsing so that no musicians have to wait or tire themselves out with too much playing or singing.  The music making in the concert is intense.  There is no boring Bach.  There is an intensity and energy needed which finally adheres to what Donington writes about in his book Performing Baroque Music, and that is that nothing in the baroque was small and weak.  It is big and profound.  The voices were well trained and were meant to carry.  
When singing with Koopman, which I have experienced for two productions now, the intensity expected of the choir and orchestra is so great, that even I have to be careful of my voice.  The risk is that sheer will to elevate the music to the level that Ton wants will easily surpass the physical ability of the vocal chords.  
My colleagues are the best of the best.  Young and old, everyone is a highly trained expert in their distinctive fields.  Especially my colleague altos Iris Bouman, Sofia Eisen, whom I stood next to, were an inspiration.  
I'm inspired and informed at a much higher level than before I left for Gran Canaria to conduct this piece in three weeks.